My Bone to Pick...

Prior to giving birth I heard MANY birth stories. Good ones and bad ones alike... stories about outrageously long labors, hours of pushing, stitches, hemorrhoids - you name it, I heard it. Some women have gone through enormous amounts of pain and complications to have their precious babies lying on their chest. My actual delivery with Aubrie wasn't terrible. I'm sure I can credit that to relief in not having to have a c-section. When I was told I could push I was beyond excited and ready to show the doctors that I could in-fact deliver vaginally. When it hurt (because it MOST DEFINITELY did) I didn't care as much because, to me, it was better then a c-section. So, maybe because I came so close to having a c-section, delivery for me was beautiful!

Breastfeeding on the other hand. Not. So. Much. I did not hear 1 story about breastfeeding my entire pregnancy. Now now, I'm trying hard not to be bitter... If I had heard horror stories I may have not been so determined. Because that's one thing I am in this breastfeeding war I feel like I'm fighting - determind. Not so naive anymore, but still determined. While I was pregnant I read up on breastfeeding (got a book even!), read articles, and blogs. I saw pictures of breastfeeding with moms smiling, baby smiling, the sun shining and everything seemed lovely. Well it took about 24 hours of Aubrie's arrival to know those pictures are like McDonald billboards, we all know Big Mac's do not actually look or taste like the pictures. 

Once Aubrie was born within 10 minutes or so her and I tried our luck at nursing. Not too successful but I wasn't worried, she was only 20 minutes old. At the hospital some nurses took a look at us nursing, gave a few nuggets of advice and left the room saying 'good luck!' By the time we were home from the hospital my nipples were already beyond the point of 'really sore'. Within a few days of being home I was weeping at the thought of nursing, couldn't do it without squeezing Ian's hand, crying, gritting my teeth so hard that it's still hard to chew and questioning myself every time. My girl is the master sucker, she has an awesome latch and works hard to get her belly full. Me on the other hand - I'm the slacker in our little nursing duo. It could be my sensitive skin, I'm just a wimp or my need for further humility and sanctification but my poor nips//boobs were not cut out for the job. I'll spare the gory details but say that I'd rather give birth  then go through the first 10 days of nursing again. Extreme but I'm serious.

Thanks be to God it is getting better! I am SO excited for the day when it doesn't hurt. I was unprepared and shocked at the pain and my own complications with nursing. I have not had bad latching, sucking or milk production issues but have learned about those things through my trials and pains. I hope that if anything, the fact that I'm still nursing Aubrie is an encouragement - it's that good. The benefits my breast milk has for our girl are worth the pain. The time and bond we share because of it are worth the tears, cracks, blood, blisters, and aches. I know I can do this and I know that soon (hopefully real soon) I will feel content, peaceful and excited to feed Aubrie. I know that I wouldn't have been able to get through this first few days without a few friends answering my questions and reminding me that I. can. do. it! Also, Ian has been more supportive then I ever expected. When he's not at work, he's right there getting me water, rubbing my back and encouraging me through the pain. I told him the other day and I mean it - everything is better when you have an awesome husband. He was off work for the first week Aubrie was born and every time I nursed her, he was right there. 

Got Milk?

I read this post the other day and cried... (it seems like I cry a lot now... geeze). {Dear Mommy...} It reminded me of the reasons I chose to nurse Aubrie and why I will continue to nurse her. I realize some mama's have a hard time like me and for others it's a walk in the park... So I guess the 'bone I'd pick' would be with my own weakness, only hearing fairytale nursing stories and my fear. Pray for me that I can view nursing Aubrie in a positive light every single time. Not just when she's napping and I'm on the couch typing this.

Pregnancy Recap

This will be the last pregnancy update, seeing as I won't make it to the full 40 weeks of pregnancy. Let's journey together...

"PREGNANT"

Mid April I began feeling odd, tired and odd. Easter morning we decided I should take a simple pregnancy test that reads "pregnant" or "not pregnant". The directions said the first morning pee was usually the best indicator and we got the test in the afternoon, so I planned to take it the next morning. We were laying down to nap (as we love to do) and I couldn't sleep. I felt that I was in-fact pregnant and thought, 'just go in the bathroom, pee, and confirm it,' so as Ian slept I gently nudged him telling him I was going to take the test... he said ok and off I went. I peed and stared at the blank reader, waiting. I covered it with my hand and turned my head away and tried to shut my eyes... I couldn't figure out how I wanted to find out. During my thoughts 'PREGNANT' popped up and my eyes got wide, I smiled and nodded. I looked at the reader for a minute with no other thought but 'WOW'. I grabbed the test brought it into our bedroom... as soon as I opened the door Ian said "so...?" and I told him "I am, look..." and he sat up, grabbed the test (I covered the part I peed on, don't worry) and had a look of disbelief. He said 'awesome!' (or something like that) and that's when I started to cry. 

Why did I cry? I want to say it was shock alone, but it was more than that. It was a cry of my selfishness, knowing it didn't stand a chance, it was a farewell cry to aspects of my life I thought I could control, it was a cry of fear, how our lives would change. I also cried for excitement, for joy and yes shock. This was not our plan but this was God's plan, how sovereign is He. 

2nd trimester, before the Tigers game

Our first doctors appointment she talked to us for a few, gave us some information and said, 'Well let's take a look at the baby!' Ian and I looked at each other, surprised because we didn't know we'd get an ultrasound this soon. On the screen the baby didn't appear... she said, 'I see a yolk sack, that's it, I don't see the baby.' My heart dropped... 'oh no' I thought, I tried not to cry and the doctor said "Wait, don't worry just yet, we're going to send you to this other place, they have a better ultrasound machine that can detect babies before they show up on my machine." She said something along those lines, that's what I heard anyways. Within an hour we were in another waiting room at a specialized ultrasound place. We go in and I'm freaked, I couldn't eat, drink or anything... I was so nervous. We get inside the room and I get an internal ultrasound. The technician says "You see that?" AND I DO. A little flutter of a heartbeat. Ian does a fist pump, I breath and all feels good in my little world. She said the ultrasound machine at our doctors only detects the baby at so many weeks and our dates were off, blah blah the baby is fine, you're this far along, blah blah.  That was a relief to say the very least!

As the months went by Ian and I always had a countdown on our calendar the date until our next appointment - we got to see the baby, hear the beating of it's heart and inch closer each day to meeting him/her. In the beginning of the second trimester, at my monthly appointment I asked the doctor when we could find out the gender. She said, next appointment for sure but she'd take a look now... Ian and I shoot glances at each other and thought "cool!" The doctor is moving her little ultrasound wand around and says, that could be umbilical cord but I don't know, I think I'm seeing a boy. She then concludes that 'she's guesses we have a little boy on the way,' but she'll confirm next month. What an awful month of waiting... I told myself I wouldn't think just boy because it wasn't confirmed, to not let my mind be fixated on our baby being a boy because it might not be! 

Ian sleeping wih Aubrie's blanket

Well you know what happens... we get to our next appointment and baby's legs are crossed, closed shut! How great! Luckily we had another appointment the next day to get other tests done and they were going to try to determine the gender as well. So we had another shot! I was antsy and excited, as the ultrasound technician measured baby's thigh bone, skull, etc. As she did that, I saw and I knew. I saw the absence of boyhood but didn't say anything, she had to confirm it. The technician referred to the baby as she before she told us it was a boy or girl (Ian didn't notice). At the end of the ultrasound she said finally, 'do you want to know the gender' and I already knew but Ian said yes and she said, 'Look here, you see those 3 lines, she's definitely a she!' It was so obvious, plain as day, legs open wide this time, proving that she was NOT a boy. Ian said something along the lines of "Uh oh!" and again, I cried. 

After Ian let me get it all out in the car I knew that this was another way God was saying, you are not in control of this... I AM! I cried because I thought I knew, because I had fixated my thoughts on a boy and because dang-it, I had guessed wrong. Ian spent days encouraging me, and expressing his own excitement for a daughter. He left me notes in the morning before work saying things like, "Have a good day, I love my girls!" and within a week or so I was over the feeling of shock or disappointment that what I thought was a boy was our little girl. Our Aubrie Lilian. 

We had liked that name before I got pregnant so when we found out it was a girl, Ian says, 'it was always Aubrie'. We were totally unsure of boy names but knew one day we'd have an Aubrie. I wanted to 'think of other names' after we found out but Ian always said 'no, it's Aubrie!' I picked her middle name Lilian and I felt so clever and confident in Aubrie Lilian. I love Lilian because Lil Ian - it's darling to me. Ian thinks it's cute too. 

Preparing her room!

So middle of the second trimester we find out that what our doctor guessed was a boy was just our little Aubrie Lilian playing games with us. As the months went on and my belly grew, Ian and I LOVED feeling her move around. The first time Ian felt her kick was priceless. I had felt her for the first time driving just that day and had tears of joy that as I sang 'Gungor's song Beautiful Things' I felt one of the beautiful things the Lord had made right inside of me, dancing along. Ian and I were in bed and I was telling him all about it and he says 'Ah man! I want to feel her kick!' He then scoots down on the bed and says, 'Aubrie, kick for your daddy!' He puts his hand there in anticipation and... she does! One little pop right into her daddys hand. The look on Ians face at that moment makes me want cry right now just thinking of it. He smiled so genuine, he was excited and confident. He told her thank you, moved back up next to me and all felt good in my little world. 

Those are some of my favorite memories and milestones in this pregnancy. I hope I never forget them. This journey with Papa God, baby, Ian and I has been amazing. The way God has worked in Ian, myself and our marriage in the past 9 months is simply astonishing. Both of our hearts have been prepared, exposed, filled and surprised at the majesty of God. This has been a beautiful season of life. 

The anticipation now is unreal, knowing it's just days away until we hold her is almost too much to stand! The days feel long and lame as we wait. I'm praying, praying and praying for all the thoughts and anxiety I have about this unknown of motherhood and a family of 3. The Lord's peace is constant and comforting. I am so blessed to have Ian, our marriage has grown and strengthened so much through these changes already. He's been to every single appointment, he's prayed daily for our family, he's rubbed my back, read to me while I take a bath, helped me put on socks, ALWAYS gets me water, constantly encourages me, reminds me that I'm beautiful and loved. I'm so fortunate to be married to such a Godly man. I hope I don't portray him as perfect he's DEFINITELY NOT but he does love me and is pretty good at it. 

My last belly shot!!!

I feel that Ian is almost as excited as I am about Aubrie's arrival.  One of my favorite memories of this pregnancy happened a few nights ago... Because I can't sleep well and am up half the night, I catch Ian sleep talking sometimes. It's funny, and I like to try and get him to say weird things to which he usually ignores and keeps sleeping. But the other night I'm laying next to him reading a breastfeeding book and I hear 'I can't wait to hold her,' and because I wasn't really paying attention or listening well I said "What? Hold who?" and he responds, "I can't wait to hold Aubrie." I just sit there as he rolls over, deep in sleep and thank God that Aubrie will have Ian for a daddy. 

I am thankful for SO many things. My heart overflows. God is good and deserves glory, honor and praise. If we were to just sit and ponder for a lifetime on the blessings, grace, and love of God it wouldn't be enough. I am blown away by the love I've experienced from God, in a few instances in the past few months. And oh, it goes FAR beyond that. 

Cheers to 39 weeks of pregnancy, it's been awesome... I'm now VERY READY for baby girl to be here! 

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How far along?: 39 weeks

Quality of sleep: Not good, not good at all... hence the reason I'm writing this at almost 3am. Maybe I'm just getting prepared for Aubrie not allowing me to sleep through the night anyways. I love to sleep but motherhood calls! 

Best moment this week: Ian sleep talking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love him!  

Movement: Mostly in the middle of the night keeping me up. The other day she was moving around SO much I thought for sure she was trying to escape. I told her, "keep moving around, notice how there's no room left in there? Yeah? That means you can come on out!"  

Food cravings / aversions: I don't even care. I just want to not be hungry and I'm not even picky anymore.

How's mama?: Scared. Not of labor or delivery but of this new completely unknown season in life. I'm cranky, antsy, emotional, excited, thankful, HAPPY, I'm just a little of everything right now :)  

What am I looking forward to?: Looking at her. Watching Ian hold her. Nursing. Being able to bend over. 

Weight gain: 37 lbs. I gained 2 lbs last week, geeze oh petes! So that's a total of 37 lbs. this pregnancy, under my 40 lbs goal! I wonder how long it'll take me to lose it? 

Pregnancy / 37 Weeks

Finally to the point where I'm 'done' being pregnant. Our girl is full term (yay!) and I'm ready to feel normal. The anticipation is crazier than ever. I think about her, and how our lives will change in this amazing new season almost constantly. Exactly 2 weeks from today Ian and I will be at the hospital waiting for her arrival. Two weeks?! 14 days?! I never thought it'd get here and yet, I feel like I need more time. Time for what I'm not sure - this whole thing is just surreal. I've yet to pack our hospital bag and I'm waiting on this nursing book to come in so I can read the first few chapters. We need to figure out how to put her car seat in the car. I have to finish making and purchasing the modest gifts for our family. I want to clean out the fridge, deep clean the bathroom, straighten up the back porch, take a bath for days and sleep for days. That's all! Oh yeah and find a house and clean out my car (especially the trunk) that's all really. Ha! I if I get all that done, I'll be very surprised. Ian promised to help with a few of those things, so hopefully this week we can knock em' out - things are always more pleasant with Ian's company. He's also very helpful and handy, geeze I love him so much!

I really had to pee, haha

Ian took a picture of me so I took one of him :)

Just a quick picture of the outfit Aubrie will wear going home - so cute!!!

  

Pregnancy / 36 Weeks

How far along?: 36 weeks, 2 days


Quality of sleep: I feel like one of the only activities I'm good at these days is sleeping. I'm strangely very use to waking up a few times in the night to use the bathroom and reposition to get comfortable. The other night I slept 10 hours straight and I woke up in a very weird state, I felt like something was wrong because I hadn't gotten up at all in the night.  


Best moment this week: When Ian and I were poking around in Aubrie's room, laughing about how cute and tiny her socks are, trying on her little body carrier (that was hilarious, let me tell you), getting her car seat ready and what not. It was surreal - thinking that she will be her by the end of the month, in that car seat - wow! Ian also woke me up this morning with breakfast in bed. A hot egg sandwich, grapes on the side and a cold glass of milk. It was such a pleasant surprise. I am SO thankful for my husband, he makes me feel so loved. I ate my breakfast and went back to bad for 2 hours - it was lovely. That was another 'best' moment this week. (I love Ian!)


Movement: I've  had a few more kicks to the ribcage - that hasn't been too fun but, I LOVE feeling her move. I love watching my belly as she moves around and laying in bed at night trying to fall back asleep she seriously entertains me by all her movements. Ian swore he felt her foot the other day, it felt like a longer lump to me, but maybe! 


Food cravings / aversions: Eating. Another activity I'm sure good at aside from sleeping. I'm not too set on specific foods, I'm just hungry. I like meat and cheese a lot. I do not like being hungry, haha :) That's all for food. 


How's mama?: Excited. Excited. Excited. Tired. Achy. I've been distracted by my discomfort and I want to be more focused on the blessing God has given me by carrying a baby into the world and how good He is to me, us, all the time. How I can be distracted from His goodness and faithfulness reveals to me the depth of my sinful heart and draws me to His grace and peace. I want to rest there forever. 


What am I looking forward to?: Well last night while Ian and I were watching Monk, I got bored and decided Aubrie doesn't have enough cute headbands so I made her a few. I used an old tee-shirt and cut, sewed, braided, scrunched and twisted up some pink headbands for her. I'm looking forward to putting them on her little head, kissing her face and being her mama! 


Weight gain: I'm sharing this information because I'm confident I will lose it all within (hopefully) 6 months of Aubers being here, haha :) Anyways, I'm up 32 lbs. GEEZE. 

Pregnancy / 33 Weeks

My favorite day of the week... Saturday! I love that Ian and I get to spend the day together, doing nothing or sometimes, something. Last Saturday was spent in pj's, watching movies, eating pizza, reading to each other... just being 'besties' we call it :) Today he's sleepy so while he naps, I write.

We're going to look inside a few houses tomorrow morning. Eeeek! We're both pretty excited, but we don't want to get our hopes up or get too ahead of ourselves. I love that Ian and I go to church service on Sunday night - it's lovely having our mornings to get breakfast, sleep in and enjoy the afternoon. It's also convenient for days like tomorrow when we're looking in some houses.

Aubrie girl and I hit the 33 week mark yesterday! This whole pregnancy thing is definitely not getting any easier. While I can think of at least 15 things to complain about in regards to the changes my body is going through, the aches, pains, moods, etc. I won't do it. I will not give in to grumbling about uncomfortable results of our baby girl growing. I am so thankful to Papa God for His will, His timing and the perfect peace he has given Ian and I throughout this pregnancy.

So instead I will list what I love about being pregnant: 

1.) That a miracle of God has occurred inside my body. The process of conception in general is astonishing. It's beautiful that minutes after conception, cells are already diving and multiplying to form a genetic code! After a few days of travel, our girl was snug in my uterus. That's just week 1-2 and so many marvelous things have already taken place. I am so thankful to the Lord God for the intricacies of prenatal development. 

2.) Ultrasound pictures! My favorite was week 10 and week 14. At week 10 Aubrie was still looking like a tadpole, with a little tail, no neck and little arm and leg buds. When we went back to the doctor at 14 weeks... OH MY GOODNESS. We saw no nail, a neck, a defined spine, arms and legs moving around, a round belly and a more proportioned body. It was amazing. All that in a month, how cool! 

3.) How funny my body is with food now. I want the weirdest things sometimes and am so fickle at other times. One minute a steak will sound delicious, so my awesome Ian will say "Let's go get you a steak baby," and as we sit down at the restaurant I need pasta! Haha, Ian is so understanding, he says one of the things he loves about me is that I never bore him :) Or the time when I insisted we go get a pumpkin pie and once we got home I didn't want it anymore and went to bed. Only during pregnancy are these food behaviors acceptable or entertaining. 

4.) My and Ian's relationship. Being pregnant has brought up some excellent conversations, some wonderfully intimate times and a totally new season of life we get to experience together. To hear Ian pray for our girl, talk about her, get SO excited when she's moving around literally melts my heart. I love the ways God is preparing him to be a daddy - just being a witness to it makes me feel important. When I'm sure he feels similar in the reverse. As scripture states a wife is to be a "helper" of sorts and I know Ian and I love our roles as husband and wife but he has been such a helper to me. Him reading to me while I take baths because of back pain, rubbing my back, putting on my socks, always getting me water, makes me feel so loved. It's great to share this pregnancy process with my Ian.

5.) Feeling our girl move. I love that especially lately I feel move all the time! I know when she's napping and when she's feeling energetic. It's beautiful knowing she's alive, well and growing, getting ready to make her grand entrance! 

6.) My faith. Talk about something out of my control. Pregnancy has given me a new insight to God's sovereignty, His will and trusting Him. Ian and I were surprised by the news of my pregnancy - it was a total, "Ok God, You got this!" type of moment. We had no control over choosing the gender (that was especially interesting when our doctor said boy and a month later it was confirmed GIRL). We're left to prayer for her overall health, development and growth. Then the thoughts and heart change that go into preparing to be a mama - intense! I've learned so much.  Papa God is all Ian and I can rely on in regards to Aubrie and we are learning daily to trust Him more. I feel that I've been challenged and strengthened in my view of the Creator God by Him getting the glory for ALL THINGS, but namely Aubrie Lilian. 

7.) Baby clothes! This one may seem lame to some but I get so excited looking at those little outfits. I didn't know 'shoes' came that small or that a tiny onesie would make me smile and daydream. Cool thing about having a girl, the clothes are so incredible cute :)

I think that complete's my list today of why being pregnant is delightful! Cheers.