Pregnancy Recap

This will be the last pregnancy update, seeing as I won't make it to the full 40 weeks of pregnancy. Let's journey together...

"PREGNANT"

Mid April I began feeling odd, tired and odd. Easter morning we decided I should take a simple pregnancy test that reads "pregnant" or "not pregnant". The directions said the first morning pee was usually the best indicator and we got the test in the afternoon, so I planned to take it the next morning. We were laying down to nap (as we love to do) and I couldn't sleep. I felt that I was in-fact pregnant and thought, 'just go in the bathroom, pee, and confirm it,' so as Ian slept I gently nudged him telling him I was going to take the test... he said ok and off I went. I peed and stared at the blank reader, waiting. I covered it with my hand and turned my head away and tried to shut my eyes... I couldn't figure out how I wanted to find out. During my thoughts 'PREGNANT' popped up and my eyes got wide, I smiled and nodded. I looked at the reader for a minute with no other thought but 'WOW'. I grabbed the test brought it into our bedroom... as soon as I opened the door Ian said "so...?" and I told him "I am, look..." and he sat up, grabbed the test (I covered the part I peed on, don't worry) and had a look of disbelief. He said 'awesome!' (or something like that) and that's when I started to cry. 

Why did I cry? I want to say it was shock alone, but it was more than that. It was a cry of my selfishness, knowing it didn't stand a chance, it was a farewell cry to aspects of my life I thought I could control, it was a cry of fear, how our lives would change. I also cried for excitement, for joy and yes shock. This was not our plan but this was God's plan, how sovereign is He. 

2nd trimester, before the Tigers game

Our first doctors appointment she talked to us for a few, gave us some information and said, 'Well let's take a look at the baby!' Ian and I looked at each other, surprised because we didn't know we'd get an ultrasound this soon. On the screen the baby didn't appear... she said, 'I see a yolk sack, that's it, I don't see the baby.' My heart dropped... 'oh no' I thought, I tried not to cry and the doctor said "Wait, don't worry just yet, we're going to send you to this other place, they have a better ultrasound machine that can detect babies before they show up on my machine." She said something along those lines, that's what I heard anyways. Within an hour we were in another waiting room at a specialized ultrasound place. We go in and I'm freaked, I couldn't eat, drink or anything... I was so nervous. We get inside the room and I get an internal ultrasound. The technician says "You see that?" AND I DO. A little flutter of a heartbeat. Ian does a fist pump, I breath and all feels good in my little world. She said the ultrasound machine at our doctors only detects the baby at so many weeks and our dates were off, blah blah the baby is fine, you're this far along, blah blah.  That was a relief to say the very least!

As the months went by Ian and I always had a countdown on our calendar the date until our next appointment - we got to see the baby, hear the beating of it's heart and inch closer each day to meeting him/her. In the beginning of the second trimester, at my monthly appointment I asked the doctor when we could find out the gender. She said, next appointment for sure but she'd take a look now... Ian and I shoot glances at each other and thought "cool!" The doctor is moving her little ultrasound wand around and says, that could be umbilical cord but I don't know, I think I'm seeing a boy. She then concludes that 'she's guesses we have a little boy on the way,' but she'll confirm next month. What an awful month of waiting... I told myself I wouldn't think just boy because it wasn't confirmed, to not let my mind be fixated on our baby being a boy because it might not be! 

Ian sleeping wih Aubrie's blanket

Well you know what happens... we get to our next appointment and baby's legs are crossed, closed shut! How great! Luckily we had another appointment the next day to get other tests done and they were going to try to determine the gender as well. So we had another shot! I was antsy and excited, as the ultrasound technician measured baby's thigh bone, skull, etc. As she did that, I saw and I knew. I saw the absence of boyhood but didn't say anything, she had to confirm it. The technician referred to the baby as she before she told us it was a boy or girl (Ian didn't notice). At the end of the ultrasound she said finally, 'do you want to know the gender' and I already knew but Ian said yes and she said, 'Look here, you see those 3 lines, she's definitely a she!' It was so obvious, plain as day, legs open wide this time, proving that she was NOT a boy. Ian said something along the lines of "Uh oh!" and again, I cried. 

After Ian let me get it all out in the car I knew that this was another way God was saying, you are not in control of this... I AM! I cried because I thought I knew, because I had fixated my thoughts on a boy and because dang-it, I had guessed wrong. Ian spent days encouraging me, and expressing his own excitement for a daughter. He left me notes in the morning before work saying things like, "Have a good day, I love my girls!" and within a week or so I was over the feeling of shock or disappointment that what I thought was a boy was our little girl. Our Aubrie Lilian. 

We had liked that name before I got pregnant so when we found out it was a girl, Ian says, 'it was always Aubrie'. We were totally unsure of boy names but knew one day we'd have an Aubrie. I wanted to 'think of other names' after we found out but Ian always said 'no, it's Aubrie!' I picked her middle name Lilian and I felt so clever and confident in Aubrie Lilian. I love Lilian because Lil Ian - it's darling to me. Ian thinks it's cute too. 

Preparing her room!

So middle of the second trimester we find out that what our doctor guessed was a boy was just our little Aubrie Lilian playing games with us. As the months went on and my belly grew, Ian and I LOVED feeling her move around. The first time Ian felt her kick was priceless. I had felt her for the first time driving just that day and had tears of joy that as I sang 'Gungor's song Beautiful Things' I felt one of the beautiful things the Lord had made right inside of me, dancing along. Ian and I were in bed and I was telling him all about it and he says 'Ah man! I want to feel her kick!' He then scoots down on the bed and says, 'Aubrie, kick for your daddy!' He puts his hand there in anticipation and... she does! One little pop right into her daddys hand. The look on Ians face at that moment makes me want cry right now just thinking of it. He smiled so genuine, he was excited and confident. He told her thank you, moved back up next to me and all felt good in my little world. 

Those are some of my favorite memories and milestones in this pregnancy. I hope I never forget them. This journey with Papa God, baby, Ian and I has been amazing. The way God has worked in Ian, myself and our marriage in the past 9 months is simply astonishing. Both of our hearts have been prepared, exposed, filled and surprised at the majesty of God. This has been a beautiful season of life. 

The anticipation now is unreal, knowing it's just days away until we hold her is almost too much to stand! The days feel long and lame as we wait. I'm praying, praying and praying for all the thoughts and anxiety I have about this unknown of motherhood and a family of 3. The Lord's peace is constant and comforting. I am so blessed to have Ian, our marriage has grown and strengthened so much through these changes already. He's been to every single appointment, he's prayed daily for our family, he's rubbed my back, read to me while I take a bath, helped me put on socks, ALWAYS gets me water, constantly encourages me, reminds me that I'm beautiful and loved. I'm so fortunate to be married to such a Godly man. I hope I don't portray him as perfect he's DEFINITELY NOT but he does love me and is pretty good at it. 

My last belly shot!!!

I feel that Ian is almost as excited as I am about Aubrie's arrival.  One of my favorite memories of this pregnancy happened a few nights ago... Because I can't sleep well and am up half the night, I catch Ian sleep talking sometimes. It's funny, and I like to try and get him to say weird things to which he usually ignores and keeps sleeping. But the other night I'm laying next to him reading a breastfeeding book and I hear 'I can't wait to hold her,' and because I wasn't really paying attention or listening well I said "What? Hold who?" and he responds, "I can't wait to hold Aubrie." I just sit there as he rolls over, deep in sleep and thank God that Aubrie will have Ian for a daddy. 

I am thankful for SO many things. My heart overflows. God is good and deserves glory, honor and praise. If we were to just sit and ponder for a lifetime on the blessings, grace, and love of God it wouldn't be enough. I am blown away by the love I've experienced from God, in a few instances in the past few months. And oh, it goes FAR beyond that. 

Cheers to 39 weeks of pregnancy, it's been awesome... I'm now VERY READY for baby girl to be here! 

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How far along?: 39 weeks

Quality of sleep: Not good, not good at all... hence the reason I'm writing this at almost 3am. Maybe I'm just getting prepared for Aubrie not allowing me to sleep through the night anyways. I love to sleep but motherhood calls! 

Best moment this week: Ian sleep talking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love him!  

Movement: Mostly in the middle of the night keeping me up. The other day she was moving around SO much I thought for sure she was trying to escape. I told her, "keep moving around, notice how there's no room left in there? Yeah? That means you can come on out!"  

Food cravings / aversions: I don't even care. I just want to not be hungry and I'm not even picky anymore.

How's mama?: Scared. Not of labor or delivery but of this new completely unknown season in life. I'm cranky, antsy, emotional, excited, thankful, HAPPY, I'm just a little of everything right now :)  

What am I looking forward to?: Looking at her. Watching Ian hold her. Nursing. Being able to bend over. 

Weight gain: 37 lbs. I gained 2 lbs last week, geeze oh petes! So that's a total of 37 lbs. this pregnancy, under my 40 lbs goal! I wonder how long it'll take me to lose it?